Stop - It's very difficult to carry on a conversation with someone who isn't paying attention to you.  It is equally difficult for you to understand what someone else is saying when you aren't paying attention to them.  So, if one or the other of you is engrossed in reading a book, or watching television, or even doing something worthwhile and necessary, such as housework, or tending to children, while the other is trying to communicate with you, it's probably not going to be very effective.

So, stop what you're doing, and listen.  In the event that you are doing something truly necessary, politely ask your partner if you can have the conversation at another time.  With our busy lives, sometimes it's impossible to find time to talk.  That's when you make time to talk.  Set aside time each and every day to talk to each other.  Sure, some things are important, but some things are more important.

Look - It has been proven that you get more out of what someone is saying if you are looking at them while they're talking.  You can read their body language, and you can actually hear them better if you are facing them when they are talking.  It also lets them know you are paying attention to them, which will in turn cause them to be more sincere, open, and honest with what they are saying.  It will also cause them to feel that the communication is a two-way street, and will benefit the relationship overall.

Listen - The other two steps are just preparation for the most important step of all.  Actually listen to what the other person is saying.  You do want to gain some insight into what's going on inside your partner's head, right?  If you're just processing what they have to say, and formulating your responses to it, you're not listening.  Or, if you're simply waiting for a pause in the conversation to vent what's on your mind, then you're not listening.  You may be hearing, but you're not listening.

Now, if something your partner says needs clarification, or you simply do not understand what they are saying, it is sometimes acceptable to politely ask them to pause, and explain what they mean.  Not only will you gain greater understanding of your partner's thoughts, but it will prove to them that you are actually listening.

There will be point in the conversation where it is appropriate for you to say what's on your mind, or respond to what your partner has said.  It's difficult to put a finite definition on what that point is, but as you learn to communicate effectively with your partner, it will become obvious to you.  If you are truly inept or unsure about how to communicate effectively, perhaps some structure in the early going will  help get the communication lines open.  I will discuss this in another article on another day. 

Just remember that your partners thoughts, feelings, and dreams, are at least as important as your own.  Effective communication is a two-way street, so remember kids...STOP, LOOK, and LISTEN! 

This article is an excerpt from the book Missing Pieces: 21 Secrets of a Successful Relationship by Will Irvin, now available from Lulu.com in paperback, hardcover, and for download.